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86 Sleep Jokes (Bed, Insomnia, Mattress)

sleep jokes insomnia jokes bed jokes

Since this site is about sleep, I thought it well time to make a compilation of funny sleep jokes. We’ll also include some insomnia jokes and of course the mattress/bed jokes cannot stay behind. If you’re looking for a quick laugh or want to find a joke to share, check out the following jokes about sleep:

Note: didn’t come up with all these jokes myself. You can check the sources at the end of the page 🙂

64 Sleep jokes

  1. Doctor “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you” Patient: “I know, but I can’t…my wife refuses to sleep alone”.
  2. “I’ve stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia”
  3. “Wife: “You told me so many bad things in your sleep last night”  Husband: “Who was asleep?”
  4. “You know your a mum when your fantasies are about sleeping!”
  5. “Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone”
  6. “Night: “I can’t find a comfortable position to sleep” Morning: “Every position is comfortable”
  7. “I have a condition that makes me eat when I can’t sleep, it’s called Insom-nom-nom-nom-nia!”
  8. “Sleep Announcement: “Today is cancelled, go back to bed”
  9. “My brain during the day: “Potato, potato, ching chong potato” – My brain during the night: “I wonder why the Earth was placed exactly here and allowed us to provide a perfect climate to sustain human life.”
  10. “Some people don’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection”
  11. Me: “Let me sleep” – Brain: “lol, no, let’s stay awake and remember every stupid decision you made in your life.”- Me:”Okay”
  12. “What idiot called it insomnia and not resisting a rest?”
  13. “I want to sleep Doctor, but my brain won’t stop talking to itself”
  14. “Today I’m wearing a lovely shade of I slept like crap so don’t piss me off!”
  15. “Insomnia sufferers, look on the bright side, only 3 more sleeps till Christmas”
  16. “I’m so tired my tired is tired”
  17. “My day starts backwards…I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake”
  18. “I really enjoy the sound of my husband snoring”, said no women ever!”
  19. “I am not an early bird or a night owl…I am some sort of permanently exhausted pigeon”
  20. “I really think that tossing and turning all night should be considered exercise”
  21. “At night I can’t sleep-In the morning I can’t wake up”
  22. “I got paid for being part of a study at the sleep clinic – It was my dream job”
  23. “What do you call a sleeping bull? – A bulldozer”“There was a kidnapping at school yesterday – It’s okay though, he woke up
  24. “I was lonely so I bought a sheep and called it “Relation”, – Now I have a relationsheep”
  25. “Which pill do you give an elephant that can’t sleep? – A trunkquillizer”
  26. “What do you call a person who sleeps next to a close relative? – A napkin”
  27. “I always sleep on a chandelier – I’m a light sleeper”
  28. “Where do fish sleep? – In a river bed”
  29. “Sleeping comes naturally to me, – I could do it with my eyes closed”66 best sleep jokes
  30. “What do you call a sleepwalking nun? – A roamin’ catholic”
    A boxer is whining to his doctor that he can’t sleep. “I won’t give you sleeping tablets, you just need to use the classic method of counting sheep” Says the doc.- “I tried, but every time I get to 9 I jump off the bed” says the boxer.
  31. “I found a cure for my wife’s insomnia…all I have to do is express a desire to have sex with her and immediately she is too tired to do anything but sleep”
  32. “Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? – To stop the snoring before it starts”
  33. “Mike Tyson sleeps with a nightlight…not because he’s afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Mike Tyson”
  34. “People who snore always fall to sleep first”
  35. “The difference between light and hard, is that you can sleep with a light on”
  36. “I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep”
  37. “I was having difficulty deciding if I wanted to purchase this bed I was looking at, so the salesman told me…sleep on it”
  38. “Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish…my dreams were broadcast all over the world”
  39. “I asked my wife, last night, were you faking it? – No, I was really sleeping”
  40. “For sincere advice and the correct time, call any number at random at 3.00 am”
  41. “If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words ‘we need to talk about our relationship’ may help”
  42. “In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later, one of your nightmares will”
  43. “Before marriage, a man will go home and lie awake all night thinking about something you said: after marriage, he’ll go to sleep before you finish saying it”
  44. “You know you’re getting older when ‘happy hour” is a nap”
  45. “You can’t wake a person who is pretending to sleep”
  46. “Sleep is death without the responsibility”
  47. “Excuse me, my leg has gone to sleep: Do you mind if I join it?”
  48. “I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid”66 sleep jokes & one liners
  49. “Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself”
  50. “No human being believes that any other human being has the right to be in bed when he himself is up”
  51. “If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side”
  52. “They should make an alarm clock that sounds like a cat getting ready to vomit, NOTHING makes you jump out of bed faster!”
  53. “The average sleep required by an average person is ‘five minutes more’.”
  54. “There’s a sleeping person, let’s go ask it questions, say children everywhere!.”
  55. “I will not sleep until I find a cure for my insomnia”
  56. “I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast”
  57. “I can never last long in bed. Five minutes of my wife’s snoring and I’m off to the spare room”
  58. “She does not SNORE: She is NASALLY REPETITIVE”
  59. “Men are like portable heaters that snore”
  60. “Women do not snore, fart or burp, they therefore have to bitch and moan or else they will blow up”
  61. “A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores”
  62. “This guy’s wife found a quieter place for his snoring-She went to the airport”
  63. “Yesterday, he took his snoring to new heights. It was heard three floors up”
  64. “What do you get if you cross an insomniac, an agnostic and a dyslexic? Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.”

22 Mattress and bed jokes

  1. My Memory foam mattress is so cheap, it forgot who I was.
  2. There is nothing I like better than sleeping on a brand new mattress. What I don’t like is being woken up by the manager and asked to leave the store.
  3. My buddy got promoted to head of product testing at the mattress factory, which really pissed me off. He obviously slept his way to the top!
  4. So this morning my son tells me “Dad, you’d be proud of me. I slept all night without wetting the bed” which I had to admit was impressive. And I’m sure his wife was happy about it.
  5. At 2am my wife wakes me to ask “do you ever wish you had married someone else” and I said “yes, my mattress” stunned she screeched “Your mattress? Why they hell would you want to marry your mattress” and I replied “Cause at least it lets me get a good night’s sleep!”
  6. “My wife said a king sized mattress meant more room in the bed….. I just didn’t know she meant more room in the bed for the laptop, more room in the bed for our kids, and we can’t forget more room in the bed for the dog. “
  7. “I’m afraid to go for the california king, or we might have room in the bed for her mother”
  8. “Ahmed was a family man who worked very hard to take care of his family. Eventually he fell on hard times and decided to try his luck in London leaving back his family.
    He toiled hard and eventually made some money. One day he decided to write a letter to his wife:
    “Dear Wife, I am sorry that you and others have to endure my absence. I made £10,000 selling 100 mattresses and 1000 panties. Very soon I’ll come back and we will live the life we always dreamed of.”
    The letter gets to Ahmed’s father first and his father wrote back:
    “Dear Son, Come back now. Your wife has made £100,000 with a single mattress and no panties.””
  9. I was unsure which mattress I should buy and the salesman told me to sleep on it.
  10. I’d like to buy a bed, please. Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?
    Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.
  11. Couldn’t sleep, so went to a counsellor for advice.  He said, “sleep on the edge of the bed, you’ll soon drop off”
  12. Saw a shop saying they were having a bed sale, 50% off everything. When I went in, all of their beds were only three foot long.
  13. I wrote a story about my bed. I made it myself.
  14. A friend replaced his bed with a trampoline without telling his partner.  She hit the roof.
  15. I thought about splashing out on a water bed.
  16. Taller people sleep longer in bed.
  17. Simba was always the last of the pride to get out of bed.  He was the lie-in king.
  18. I was in a band once called Teenager’s Bed.  Never made it.
  19. Heard a myth about a single bed placed on top of another one, and attached with a ladder. Fortunately, I was able to debunk it
  20. Not going to lie, my beds is broken.
  21. I would tell a joke about a bed, but it hasn’t been made up yet.
  22. “I was in a play called breakfast in bed once”.  “Did you have a big role?” “No, just toast with a bit of butter”.

Sources for sleep jokes:

Sources for bed jokes:

By Adrianus

Since childhood I've tried hundreds of little experiments to feel better, learn faster and perform higher (e.g. supplements, sports, psychological tricks, sleep and wacky diets).
After I graduated university in 2016, I basically found that sleep was the #1 factor to improve every aspect of life.
Bad sleep = bad life. I started SleepInvestor in 2017 to share my experiments and thoughts about sleep.

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